NBA Referee Hotline Bling: Boogie, Z-Bo reach out and punch someone

Dear Z-Bo and Boogie,

We have talked to the league’s PR department, and we would strongly advise against your plan of inviting bullying victims to a Pelicans-Kings game. We even more strenuously object to your offer to “straighten out those bullies ourselves.” It’s very kind of you to extend an invitation to a youngsters who are clearly having a tough time, but we are not sure it’s appropriate for the two of you specifically to be mentoring young people on bully.

Zach, you told DeMarcus that where you’re from “bullies get bullied.” This is a strong anti-bullying statement, but we are worried this means that you’re going to beat up some 9-year-olds. Even a verbal beatdown from such virtuoso trash talkers as yourselves might scar those children for the rest of their lives. Kevin Durant was so traumatized by Boogie going after him that he opened three new secret burner accounts on Twitter

Now please don’t attack us, but we also question the wisdom of letting you around any young people, bullied or not. DeMarcus has nine technicals this year, and it’s not even Christmas yet. Zach has 15 pounds of weed on him at all times — California’s medical marijuana laws are really lax, huh? Our sources in New Orleans tell us that Cheick Diallo has started ditching film sessions to hang out with Boogie at an arcade. And even though De’Aaron Fox wouldn’t reveal which teammate got him his fake ID, Garrett Temple snitched on Zach.

Guys, please just focus on yourselves. You two should work together on a truly important cause, one where your toughness and aggression can really make a difference. You need to go get Joseph Kony.

2012 Forever Y’all, NBA Referee Hotline

Bradley Beal vs. Clippers' Clock Operator 

Dear Bradley Beal,

We hear your concern, and we agree that it seems wrong that a mistake by the home team’s clock operator should punish the road team. Despite its unfairness, the officials called the play correctly according to the rule book. Since the clock is owned by the L.A. Clippers, there’s a possibility that it didn’t start because of a freak injury. Blake Griffin has been known to punch the clock from time to time, after all.

We can’t confirm your allegation that the timekeeper is related to coach Doc Rivers, but we promise to investigate. If he has a ridiculously high salary for a job he’s barely qualified for, then I think we can conclude he’s a blood relative.

While we have you here, could you take a look at some lyrics we’re working on? It’s a sensual R&B song about game officials — if you like it, do you think you could pass it on to Sade? I hear she’s a big Kelly Oubre fan.

Hardwood life, winding clocks

The time don’t stop for air balls or for monster blocks

When the Clippers trail, the clock will fail

If Adam Silver knew the tricks he’s pulled, he’d go to jail

No place for integrity or the faint of heart

Blow the buzzer out of nowhere

They hit the game-winner, why didn’t the clock start?

No need to ask, he’s a clock operator

Clock operator, clock operator

Clock. Operator.

Coast to coast, L.A. vs. Chicago, buzzer blows

Took a giant bribe from Steve Ballmer, no one knows

Clock operator, clock operator

Anyway, if you like it, you might also enjoy “No Ordinary Kevin Love” or, our personal favorite, a song about the prohibition on social media use during games called “The Tweetest Taboo.”

Melodically Yours, NBA Referee Hotline 

Jahlil Okafor vs. Philadelphia 

Dear Jahlil Okafor,

Congratulations on getting a fresh start with the Brooklyn Nets! We know your time in Philly was frustrating. There were injuries, there was a glut of players at the center position, there were the water balloons filled with Shirley Temples that Joel Embiid used to throw at you — that makes it really hard to succeed! Now, this is not the kind of thing we usually do, but we're happy to give you a list of the best food trucks in your new home of BKNY.

First there's D & Jell-O. It's a dessert food truck run by D'Angelo Russell. The Jell-O is delicious, but the problem is, sometimes the proprietors have trouble distributing the Jell-O. They want to eat first, even though they’re supposed to be getting customers involved. And be warned, it’s not healthy. If you’re cheating on your diet, they might videotape you doing it and post the footage online.

If you like Eggs Benedict, there's a wonderful food truck called Rondae Hollandaise Jefferson. It’s down the street from Jeremy Lin’s pop-up clothing shop, Linsani-Tees. Maybe RHJ isn’t as polished as some other breakfast places, but this is literally the only one available near the Barclays Center, so it’s going to get a lot of snacking time by default.

Our personal favorite is Allen’s Crabbe Legs. These are delicious crabs, imported from the Pacific Northwest. Maybe the crabs look a little weird, but that’s just their own distinctive style. You thought Allen Crabbe was a helpless defender? Well you’ll have no defense at all for the Crabbe Cakes, the Crabbe Bisque and a specialty item called the Crabbe Crowder, a recipe developed by Crabbe and Jae Crowder on their culinary tour of Cleveland this summer. This food truck is very expensive.

Sauce Castillo’s, the taco truck run by Nik Stauskas, has already been closed by order of the health department. And because it sucked. Hope this helps!

Warmest Regards, NBA Referee Hotline 

Michael Beasley 

Dear Michael Beasley,

We’ll be honest. This is the first time a player has called to agree with all of his foul calls. You racked up six fouls in just 10 minutes, which is a stunning rate for a wing player. If you look at the fouls-per-minute stats, the leaders are all ground-bound large men (Ian Mahinmi), rookie centers (Zach Collins) and oafs (Cole Aldrich). The impressive part was the variety of fouls you committed — fouling on rebounds, grabbing players to prevent fast breaks, and offensive fouls where you went totally out of control and crashed into your defender. We think this proves you’ve matured as a player.

The young Michael Beasley might have hacked a shooter. Super Cool Beas would have even committed a bunch of charges. But accidentally fouling someone else’s man? That shows a commitment to — despite failure at — team defense. None of those fouls was a flagrant, a technical or a suspension for smoking weed at the rookie orientation. Clearly, the Knicks fans appreciated it, since the crowd gave you a rousing standing ovation when you left the game. Is this because you’re using 11 percent of your brain?

We have another theory as well. Perhaps the most beloved Knick of the last 30 years was Charles Oakley. What was his signature move? The hard foul. It’s no coincidence that his most foul-heavy season, 1992-93, was when the Knicks won the most games in franchise history. No one can replace Oak, but Michael, we think you can come close. First, start hanging out with Michael Jordan. Threaten to punch anyone who bothers him. Next, slap Charles Barkley. The Chuckster is pretty old now; you could totally get away with it. And finally, you’ve got to threaten owner James Dolan and get kicked out of the arena. Sure, you’ll be thrown in jail, but you’ll never pay for a drink in Manhattan again.

Flagrantly Yours, NBA Referee Hotline